Value of a Woman

Be very careful if you make a woman cry because God counts her tears. The woman came out of a man's rib...Not from his feet to be walked on. Not from his head to be superior to...But from the side tobe equal with. Under the arm to be protected. And next to the heart to be loved.

There are times when we (women) accept things because they're men, because we're women...it's nature. But have we really stopped and thought about the consequences of this kind of thinking? Men are from Mars; women are from Venus. Yes, I know but is there no middle ground? No space between? I believe there is. I want to believe there is. Here I am ceasing to go with the status quo, going against what the society dictates...

Why is it that there's a delineation of judgment between men and women? Why do people say "it's more acceptable because he's a guy (or she's a girl)" and not just confine the description to either "it's acceptable" or "it's not acceptable"...regardless of anything?

When we try to fight for something we feel strongly for, why is it not given consideration? Why won't they try to see it from our perspective, try to understand us...because we do understand where they're coming from?

When we cry, why is it such a big deal? I want to cry, i choose to cry...because it hurts, because it's too much to bear. Why can't they just let us cry and get it over with...even if we know it will take what will seem a lifetime for us to get over it?

When we choose to wait for them, why are they not allowing us? Why are they pushing us away? Will it not benefit them more than us? That after doing their business, won't we be glad to see them back...because we chose to wait?

I can go on and on. Only if there are are answers to each one, I would. I felt the urge to write them down...in hopes that they will escape my thoughts and remain on this page.

Breathe

...There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around...


We can only know ourselves to a certain extent. The rest remains to be discovered as we go on with our lives. Some we discover on our own. Some we discover through other people. Regardless, all should be acknowledged.

To wake up one day realizing I feel lighter, better, relieved makes me a better person (more like I want to believe that). To go about my routine with that weird yet smiling-inside feeling, I know I need to do something. To let the day pass thinking, I need to do something about it but I'm not sure if now is the right time. To seal the day's work with the things that (I think) help me get through all this then I say to myself, If not now, then when?.

And so I went for it...despite the judgments that may be cast on me. Because through this, I know things will be better. I acknowledged that I'm not harboring anger anymore...and it feels good.

...'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe...

~Breathe, Anna Nalick

Under Construction

When you think you know yourself well enough, think again. It's engraved on your mind what you know you can do and what you can not (more like you will not). It has been several years when you said to yourself, I will never ever eat this or Not in my lifetime will I do that. People change. Your likes and dislikes change. You then take a different route and then discover that it is indeed exhilarating!

I have to admit...some may sound quite shallow but what can I say...I go for the simple things in life. Such as: I never thought I would enjoy eating ampalaya. Or I would love walking around Makati by myself on a Saturday night while eating my fave synthetic fries (McDonald's fries are the best!) Or I would be so steady at home just listening to music and doing chores then smiling and feeling fulfilled afterwards. Or I would be very comfortable meeting people again...and letting them know the real me.

Stepping out of our comfort zone takes a lot of courage. Many, many years of having a routine then suddenly things change will really make your head spin. It's a decision to make--a difficult one at that--but if the first step is wobbly, chances are you'll fall back in "the zone." You must be able to have a steady and strong first step for you to make the second one then the third one.

I cannot say for sure if I've made a steady, strong first step out of my comfort zone. Let's just wait and see as my life's under construction now--it's operational but watch out for falling debris...

Irreplaceable

I was just watching TV one afternoon--usual music videos, i say to myself, nothing new. So I just left the set on for background music. Then suddenly it got my attention--"to the left, to the left" goes the song. Had to turn up the volume and listen intently to the lyrics...and it hit home!


to the left, to the left
everything you own in the box to the left
in the closet, that's my stuff
yes if i bought it please don't touch

and keep talkin' that mess, that's fine
but could you walk and talk at the same time?
and it's my name that's on that Jag
so remove your bags, let me call you a cab

standin' in the front yard
tellin' me how i'm such a fool
talkin' bout, how i'll never ever find a man like you
you got me twisted

***you must not know 'bout me, you must not know 'bout me
i could have another you in a minute
matter fact, he'll be here in a minute
baby
you must not know 'bout me, you must not know 'bout me
i can have another you by tomorrow
so don't you ever for a second get to thinking
you're irreplaceable***

so go ahead and get gone
and call up that chick and see if she's home
oops, i bet you thought that i didn't know
what did you think i was puttin' you out for?

because you was untrue
rollin' her around in the car that i bought you
baby drop them keys
hurry up, before your taxi leaves

standin' in the front yard
tellin' me how i'm such a fool
talkin' bout i'll never ever find a man like you
you got me twisted

***

so since i'm not your everything
how about i'll be nothing
nothing at all to you

baby i won't shed a tear for you
i won't lose a wink of sleep
cause' the truth of the matter is
replacing you is so easy

to the left to the left
everything you own in a box to the left
to the left to the left (2)
don't you ever for a second get to thinking you're irreplaceable

***

You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me

I can have another you in a minute
matter fact he'll be here in a minute
you can pack all your bags we're finished
cause you made your bed now lay in it

I can have another you by tomorrow
Don't you ever for a second get to thinking you're irreplaceable

Who I am hates who I've been...

Things happen for a reason. This is where my journey starts. I need to understand. I need to be sane. I need to feel.

I've lost myself. People don't usually know what that means--i get an empty sympathy nod. Empty because you see the question mark on the their foreheads but they don't really want to ask how "losing oneself" feels...because it can be scary...instead they give you a hug, an "aaaww", a hand squeeze. But that's okay.

Looking back at the past months made me realize that I had been hiding. Hiding from what's real. Joyful on the outside but quivering inside. Smiling but sobbing. Peaceful but fighting with myself. Most of the time I catch myself staring blankly but I have no recollection of what I was thinking of at that moment--it's like I was in another dimension. Maybe that other dimension is where I would find peace.

I used to be someone who knows myself, who's secure, who's living the life, who smiles, who has that spark in my eyes--that glow, that zeal, that happiness. I used to know my interests, my favorites, my pet peeves. I used have a clearer picture of my goals in life.

I don't like how I've become. I know it's my fault because I let it happen. I was too selfless. I need to love me again. I have to try harder before it's too late...

Stuck in Reverse

In denial. That's how I've been for several months. Been shielding myself from real hurt, from real pain, from real feelings. Been fighting with myself, which is the most tiring ordeal I've undergone.

Then here comes Reality.

And it hit me hard...very abrupt but quite hard. It's as if it had been chasing me and trying to pin me down. It overpowered me and there was no other way but to face it head on.

And so I did. I had to. For myself. For peace of mind.

And now it's over but my journey has just begun. I have yet to move forward because at the moment I'm still stuck in reverse.