To Whom It May Concern:

I am truly sorry for disappearing and being out of reach for the past months. This is what actually happened:

Last March, I told the team (at work) I'm pregnant. Given that my teammates were all guys, I felt the need to make them understand what to expect of me in the next months--fatigued and exhausted that I could no longer stay late in the office; out of focus or less concentrated given my hormones are out of whack; and a whole lot of things. Those times that I would not be at my desk maybe you were thinking that I was downstairs smoking, but the truth is I was vomiting and/or taking catnaps in the restroom! Shameful to admit but that was how my body was reacting to this whole change.

By April, I was really having a terrible pregnancy--morning sickness and all those symptoms at its peak! There'd be mornings where I'd be on my way to work then halfway through I'd have to take a cab going back home because I was feeling really sick and about to faint. Then I'd call in sick. I wanted to take two days off from work to re-energize and be fresh for the incoming week--the week when I planned to make my grand announcement.

I thought the boss would understand. Apparently not.

He then sends me all these messages--that he already made a decision because the team cannot depend on the uncertainties of my predicament (meaning my pregnancy) and that I should turn over office equipment immediately. What an a$s!!!

And then I fell into the blackhole of depression.

As you all know, I was living alone so getting eaten up by depression was rather easy. I didn't have the energy and guts to tell a single soul; let alone to cry. I lived a life of seclusion for weeks--dazed and harboring anger, worthlessness, self pity, hurt--until a friend came by. Instantly I became weak and cried myself a river. I was vulnerable. Everything after was a blur. All I could remember was waking up crying and going to sleep crying. A lot of things came into play--I was pregnant and unemployed. I knew then I could no longer maintain my apartment so I moved back.

By May, I gathered enough courage to do the right thing. File a labor case. So I did...all the way in QC! In the process, I had to talk to a lot of people for legal counseling. I had to be quiet about all this and not tell anyone connected (even in the minutest way) in the office. I did not want him to flee; I wanted him to be caught off guard.

By June, I became busy preparing--studying my rights, overcoming the dreaded what-ifs--and going to hearings. Until its conclusion days ago.

I am still pregnant and unemployed.

But this time I'm smiling :)

Let me burst your bubble...or not.

Are we living in a fantasy world? Do we compare life as it is written in scripts? Do we emulate those characters and wish we think the way they do--that we have the same fate as they had? There are just some scenes better left in the movies than to be tried in real life--they are just more acceptable where the lights and music are adjusted and the mood is let's just say perfect.

Scenario: Do you gush the same way while watching a movie when you see a couple lip-locking out in public? Or do you quietly say to yourself "geez get a room!" Did you have time to think that maybe, just maybe, there is a romantic story seconds before that saliva exchange? That maybe in that moment they are zoned out, not seeing the passersby, listening to music playing in their heads. I guess not.

Another: Do you sing with the rest of those happy strangers on the next table as they belt out a tune they just love? Or do you roll your eyes and clench your teeth as you restrict yourself from standing and shutting them up?

And another: Would you appreciate someone dancing on the streets, smiling, and happily greeting strangers on his way? Or do you mistake him for a looney?

I am not out to burst anybody's fantasy bubble. I am just here to understand why things are more acceptable in movies--mindset, culture, morals, values. And why these things seldom, if not never, get accepted off screen. We all feel for this character who appears so perfect in the arms of another. We cheer and hope that they live happily ever after...but do we stop and think about the fact that he/she is being unfaithful, dishonest, and inconsiderate? That despite the romance, it is what it is...an affair. Careless. Hurtful.

Admit it: We shift our morals during these moments. We get blinded by so many things. I think this is precisely the reason why people go astray. Why during decision-making we tend to choose poorly based on values and go for what brings thrill. Why amidst the greater weight of right versus wrong we still end up picking the latter. Why in this period we live in where things are widely and openly accepted I still yearn for answers...