Still Holding On...

Is convincing myself that I made the right decision just a long, winding, painstaking journey to the supposedly unhappy ending? Am I just prolonging the agony? I know there are no guarantees in life; otherwise, everybody will be living complacently and I wouldn't be writing this piece. But this time, I need a sign that I'm actually on the right track...that's all I need.

Despite the yearning for a sign, at times I view myself as just needing some sort of assurance (well, okay...constant assurance) that everything will be alright, that I won't have to carry the burden all by myself, that soon enough Happiness will come knocking again on my door.

Remember that ray of light? How do I hold on to it? I don't want to creep back into that dark and lonely place. I want to be liberated from all the strings that pull me down and make me feel all too miserable...but I don't know how. If only there's an "Overhauling Your (Love) Life for Dummies" or an indexed guide of "Solutions to ALL (Love) Life's Problems"...I would buy me a copy (even copies to share with fellow troubled souls). Unfortunately, no one in his right mind would ever attempt to venture in that area. Yes, a few have tried but none succeeded.

To hope is what I do best nowadays...hoping that tomorrow will be a brighter day, that somehow my point will come across and progress will be realized, that certain things will change for the better, that bad habits will be eliminated, etc. But when I try to dissect my thoughts, I get confused...because at this stage, there's a very thin line between Hope and Expectation and I can't help but cross--instead of hoping that this person will understand me, I unintentionally expect it to happen!

I guess I still have to work on my compartmentalizing skills...(sigh)

Oh well...here's to another attempt to document my sentiments...Cheers!

"I'm F.I.N.E."

"Are you okay?" is one of the gauges that someone took a peek inside the entwined feelings of a distraught being versus the automatically blurted-out conversation opener "How are you?" I try ever so hard to put on my happy mask, but it just won't happen...moreso when I am desperate to hide the confused side of me. My transparency is what makes people see as to where I am in the so-called wheel-of-fortune (or should I say misfortune?). Sheesh...

What's worse is I most often than not respond the ever famous "I'm fine..." then a fake smile...then an inner sigh. It's a hard habit to break.

I suddenly remember Italian Job mentioning that it's short for saying "I'm...Freaked Out Insecure Neurotic and Emotional"...maybe I am...

Let me share some more "fine" versions:

• Feeling Inadequate, Needing Encouragement
• Feelings Inside Not Expressed
• Fickle Insecure Neurotic and Emotional
• Foggy Insecure Neurotic Emotional
• Fouled Up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional
• Frustrated Insecure Neurotic Emotional

The next time you hear me say that...stop for a while, decode my smile, look me in the eye, and take a peek inside my soul...

A Ray of Light...

After spending much time pondering on what's happening with my life...I have finally seen a tinge of hope. I have realized that there's more to life than dwelling on the gloomy aspect of things. For the longest time, I was trying so hard to seem okay to everybody; I tried to keep my thoughts to myself, thinking that I don't want to bother other people with my so-called problems. I am the classic "I'm okay..I'm fine" kinda girl. But then it happened...I couldn't pretend anymore, I couldn't resist the need to confide, I couldn't stand that feeling of bursting into tears and just letting it all out...

And so I did.

As it turns out, venting out is the solution and it really keeps my mind open to options I hardly thought were possibilities. It is the very essence of having friends who are willing to listen (not necessarily understand) and to constantly remind me that there are two sides to every story...I need to realize that; of course, I get too caught up with my sob story.

This is the perfect timing to thank everyone who pitched in an advice or two to help me understand the twists and turns in my life. I can't say that I'm back to my old self...but I'm working on it.

Until such time...bear with me.

"Easier Said Than Done"

Why is it that I never learn? Could it be that I still try to believe that I'm living in a fairy tale world full of sugar-coated dreams? I don't think so for I've been hurt a lot of times...but I'm not saying that I haven't hurt anyone before. Again and again, I fall for the same trap created by Expectation. If you ask me, one should not expect for it would end up causing more pain if it would yield an unfavorable result; you've probably heard me give that advice to a bunch of people.

I'm not perfect...but then again nobody is.

I'm now beginning to wonder what is wrong with me. I preach "Hope for the best...Expect the worst." Then again, why do I continuously find myself getting caught in the web of false hope and pretension? Maybe I'm not that strong a believer as I thought I am. It's as if I'm digging a hole too deep for me to climb out of -- a pit that is so dark and lonely. I tried to seek refuge...but I failed miserably. It was difficult to swallow my pride despite the great hurt I was feeling; I managed to...thinking that this was the solution. Just when I was starting to see a ray of light, everything caved in on me. Little did I know that my effort with good intention would turn out to be something I would regret doing.

It hurts...it really does.

I am in great conflict with myself. It's about time to straighten my priorities, align my principles with my actions, be assertive. With this being said...again, I am conflicting for I am still dwelling on the harsh reality of things. I must admit...I cannot do this alone; it's too heavy a burden for me to carry. I am scared.

An angel is what I need to break my fall...

F R I E N D S

"Filled with humor and bittersweet emotion, the series finale of Friends finds Rachel, Monica, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler, and Ross embarking on the next chapters in their lives. The six of them have been there for each other through all the ups and downs of becoming adults. Now it's their last day together, a day of momentous events and last-minute surprises. Even as the friends make major decisions on their futures, there is a bond between them that will last forever -- no matter where their paths lead."

Yes, I am inflicted by the Friends syndrome for 10 years. How can you not get hooked? They have oh-so-different personalities--a naive, a ditzy, a clueless, an obsessive-compulsive...name it--but they manage to co-exist. I watched the final episode...and then watched the pilot episode which was included in the DVD. Wow! It sure is very amusing to see each one of them "evolve" through those years (with the thought of how I looked back then...not so amusing...haha!). Mind you all, I also watched the main-title segments--the intro--of all 10 seasons! (Yes...I didn't get irked by the repetitive "I'll be there for you...") It is just so sad that it all has to end...

Speaking of 10 years, I am really pleased and overwhelmed to know that I am still in touch with my peer from high school (Zobel batch '97)--I still get to hang with them, know what's up (and down) with their lives, listen to their stories, and most importantly bond. When you think of it, there is a Friend in all of us; I can either be Rachel, Monica, or even Phoebe at certain times in my life. Relating them to my own circle of friends...a couple finally broke the barrier of denial and just risked it. Let's focus on this a bit...in the ten years, they had fallen in and out of love trying to search for Mr./Ms. Right not knowing that that person has just been around the corner in all those years. A nice thought actually...very nice indeed. On another note, the group entered another chapter in their lives when a baby (or babies) arrived. To fill you in, our group is expecting a baby next year! I cannot and will not list all the comparisons, but I'll reiterate...we have all been a Friend one way or the other.

I can never and will never forget the times we spent back in high school where I was seeing them everyday (including weekends), where I just cared less about school stuff as long as I get my dose of talk-time and laughter with them, where it was pure fun! Then through college, where I got enrolled in a different university, which resulted in having less time with them, which in turn made me meet new friends...but then again, I still managed to see them; though not that often. Then now in the real world where each one is leading a different life, having new experiences, getting caught in the web of stress...but guess what, we still spend time! Not to brag...but how many groups do you know that survived 10 years...and still counting?! Bottomline...I am genuinely proud to have cherished such friends who share the same sentiments of preserving the bond despite differences...

With my Friends at the traditional New Year's party/get-together at JV's (2003). Luv yah, guys! (",)

Caught on felt...

(Pastel on felt by a Vince de Pio, 09/24/04) This was a new experience for me, and I liked it...I enjoyed posing and holding still while the artist was trying to capture my every feature and more importantly my expression and mood. This took roughly 30 minutes...and yes, I didn't move! I would really love to do this again...in hopes that I'll be in tip-top shape the next time. Thanks, Vince!

Oh! I remembered...this was also the time that I was running a fever. That whole week I was trying to accommodate every appointment possible thinking that I was superwoman! "It's all in the mind"...a thought that I was trying to shove in my head the whole day. I am not one who gets weakened by a measly fever or a bout of cough and cold; so, up to the last hour before going home, I was even drinking red wine at an art gallery opening thinking that it'll be the much-needed cure to my ailment...but then again maybe not for I had a temperature that went up to 40.1 that night! Indeed, another lesson learned...the hard way.