Just Stand Up

The heart is stronger than you think
It's like it can go through anything
And even when you think it can't
It finds a way to still push on, though

Sometimes you want to run away
Ain't got the patience for the pain
And if you don't believe it
Look into your heart
The beat goes on

***
I'm tellin' you that
Things get better through whatever
If you fall, dust it off
Don't let up

Don't you know
You can go be your own miracle
You need to know

If the mind keeps thinking you've had enough
But the heart keeps telling you don't give up
Who are we to be questioning, wondering what is what
Don't give up
Through it all
Just stand up

It's like we all have better days
Problems getting all up in your face
Just because you go through it
Don't mean it got to take control, no

You ain't gotta find no hiding place
Because the heart can beat the hate
Don't wanna let your mind keep playin' you
And sayin' you can't go on

***

You don't gotta be a prisoner in your mind
If you fall dust it off
You can live your life
Let your heart be your guide
And you will know that you're good
If you trust in the good
Everything will be alright
Light up the dark if you follow your heart
And it will get better
Through whatever

***

You got it in you
Find it within
You got in now
Find it within now

Everything is Beautiful

The time has come for you to explore the world
So spread those wings and soar on high
Don't you worry as I will hold your hand
As we discover that life is indeed grand.

In just a few days, my little princess will turn one. That means this time last year she was still in my womb...all cozy and waiting to come out to greet the world. That the only contact I had with her was holding my tummy and feeling her move around. A kick here, a nudge there. That the closest communication was feeling her heartbeat. Such a soothing rhythm. A constant reminder that I am responsible for this little one's life.

That means that it is almost a year since I heard her first cry, since I first saw her when they put her against my cheek, since I first held her tiny little body against mine. All the challenges and hardship suddenly disappeared. There was a feeling of calmness, of new found strength.

That means it has been months when I witnessed her first smile, her first roll over, her first tooth, her first meal, her first crawl, her first words. With every little new thing, joyful tears streamed. There was a sense of fulfillment, of blissful satisfaction.

That means I was there during her first bout of colds, cough, fever, rash, diarrhea, constipation, and all those illnesses that are new to her. I felt so helpless that the only thing I could do was hug her and whisper to her that everything will be all right. And at the same time I was praying to God to guide me. And He did. As always.

Looking back, it was just beautiful.

And everything is still beautiful.

It was just days ago that this once-very-helpless darling started walking. And with each step, I could not help but sacrifice a tear. I am so proud of her. She has grown so much in such a short span of time. And I was there to see everything.

On sabbatical no more...

It has been one whole year since I've last written here. Yes, I write...for other people. That's work. This is different. These entries contain the very essence of my journey. They reflect who I am.

This just goes to show that it has been one year since I sat down, pondered, and jotted down my thoughts. Goes to show how difficult it has been to get back on track. Goes to show how long it took to get things in order. As it turned out, I needed more servings of patience, perseverance, willpower, and strength than I thought!

Let me jumpstart and sort things in my head...it still gets pretty chaotic up there sometimes.

Three Showers for a Baby :)

No one has ever thrown me a party before...much more three for one occasion! It crossed my mind to organize my own baby shower but I guess there came no push from within strong enough to make me actually do it. So I let it go.

Surprised was I to learn that someone close to my heart (as she is like a sister to me), together with her mom in the US, was brewing something up. All I had to do was come up with a guest list and that's it. So it wasn't a surprise party in its very essence because I know the when-where-who but all the other elements were kept from me. The afternoon turned out really well what with the yummy food (which made me come back for more), the games (which made me really excited), and the gifts (which brought me closer to reality that I am about to give birth soon). I was (and still am) moved by everything...I really loved it!

All the while I was thinking that a baby shower is a girls-only thing. It was quite difficult not to include my one and only brother, girlfriends' significant others, and my peers (most of which were boys) from high school and college in the abovementioned shower. Then an idea struck one-third of the trio and she decided to organize another shower a week later with our high school barkada. Simple gathering at our friend's condo. More catching up since I had been out of reach for several months. Great pizza, fantastic cake, and a lot of unique recipes for tuna and sky flakes combo--care of the guys who would try anything to please their hunger!

Just when I thought I had been so lucky for having two baby showers, something unexpected happened. It was the usual Sunday morning. I was checking my email when a chat window popped up; it was my dear sister in the US inviting for voice and webcam chat. Very surprised was I to see my family and relatives holding up a streamer, balloons, gifts, and other party stuff...greeting and congratulating me. I instantly got teary eyed...I miss them so much and for them to do that was really beyond what I would ever expect. Now that was truly my first ever surprise party...a virtual one at that. One by one they showed me their gifts and well wishes. I was amazed when I learned they even had games and everybody had fun!

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Truth be told that I had to fight back tears a number of times because I really felt overwhelmed. Despite some being of "less happy" origin brought about by loneliness and longing for the ideal scenario, most of my tears were of happy origin because I truly felt important, loved, and cared for by my friends, my family, and those who treat me like family (I appreciate all of you). I am happy knowing that my little girl will be blessed with wonderful people. I can never thank you enough (and you know who you are) for making me feel this way :)

Maybe...maybe not.

He is tall with his built fit for his height. He is a funny and fun guy--every one who knows him and spends time with him will give the same testimonial. He likes to take things slow and prefers a relaxed pace by lounging around and playing video games.

She, on the other hand, has a frame that can easily be lost in his hugging arms. She, too, is a fun girl but a few notches below his caliber--let's just say they complement each other. She is quite domesticated and likes to keep things clean and organized.

They have a seemingly perfect relationship. They have a cozy and warm place together (read: they are living in). They are in love.

And then it happened.

According to him, she nags. According to her, he is being inconsiderate. Complaints were thrown back and forth. Then it worsened. Not only were words volleyed but as well as actions that were meant to spite...with each one outweighing the previous. Being the person that he is, he partied...hard. Not saying that he was happy but he was trying to cope with the hurt his own way. She started dating but not intending to find love; she wanted him to notice her. As they say, actions speak louder than words. And they truly did...with vengeance.

Amidst the chaos, she realized she wanted him back. She waited in vain but he flaked. Pride? Maybe. But regardless of his reason, it hurt her...so much. His realization came in much later but he is too-late-a-hero...She doesn't want him back despite his efforts to change and be a better person for her. And this, too, regardless of her reason, hurt him...so much. They parted ways before they could kill each other (as if they are not already dead with their hearts stabbed a hundred times and wrung out dry of compassion and love).

Years later, him being a renewed man who is now more responsible and her having a different approach to life, they crossed paths. They exchanged hello's and how-are-you's. Then they continued to walk down their respective paths.

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And that's how The Breakup (Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston movie) ended. No reconciliation. No they-lived-happily-ever-after cliche ending. Wait...let me rephrase that: Gary and Brooke DID live happily ever after...just not as a couple. Maybe it's for the better...maybe not.

I yet have to figure out if the ending to MY story will indeed be for the better. Until then, the cameras will continue to roll...

The Tree and The Folder

A few years back when my dad visited from the US, we attended a family reunion. You see this side has not really been mastered inasmuch as my mom's. We try everytime but they're just too many...plus the fact that you can't base the relationship on age alone--some of the young-looking ones are already my aunts/uncles while those "more mature"-looking ones (I'm trying not to step on any nerve here hehe) are my nephews/nieces. Weird. I have relatives that I won't be able to recognize if we cross paths in a mall or at some event. Sad.

In an attempt to educate everyone, they posted a huge canvass of our family tree. Literally a tree with branches, leaves, fruits. What an effort! Of course the tendency was to look for our branch. Then there it was. His name. I was in shock...and I bet he was, too. I was thinking, "How the...How do they know? They just met him today!" Then I looked over to my dad and he was smiling. My eyes welled up. I hugged him. He approves. He's giving me away even before my hand gets asked and adorns a ring! He trusts him enough to immortalize our relationship on The Tree. Wow.

It seemed like yesterday, but that was years back. Wake up.

A month ago, it was the birthday of my mom's uncle. They are the remaining relatives we have here on my mom's side on account of everybody's in the US. In light of this, the small gathering turned out to be a family reunion...of less than 20 people...of 3 generations. For this side of the family, the supposedly grammas and grampas by generation got stuck with the generation title of the past because we call them aunts and uncles. After all these years, they don't seem to mind...I think they actually prefer it that way--probably a therapy of some sort to make them feel younger. I don't know. So, my mom's uncle who celebrated his birthday is still "uncle" to us. Furthermore, my mom's mother is called Mommy Lola by everybody. Good idea--combine two generation titles in one. Convenient.

As opposed to my dad's side, this clan's structure is clearer in my mind...albeit Mommy Lola's 11 children, a myriad of us grandchildren, and still-growing number of great grandchildren. The delineation was quite clear but it's still a challenge to recall names and birthdays up to now.

One of our uncles (should be "lolo") at the party brought out a folder to which papers were fastened. He wanted us to go through it and edit as needed. And yes, it was an attempt to document 7 (I repeat...seven) generations of typewritten, not printed, names. I can only go as far as Mommy Lola's generation...there were three more levels beyond hers that are unknown to me.

I quickly scanned for my name's spelling to get it over with. And then it hit me...flashback of The Tree incident at my dad's side's reunion years ago. Only now the memory didn't bring happiness. But sadness. A great amount of it.

I tried to evade The Folder. Why? Because there were two blank lines after my name. I perfectly knew what they were for. The second line can be left blank for a few months; but Uncle (Lolo) wants me to fill in the first blank. I chose not to show my raw emotions so I tried to laugh it off, make comments, throw my alibi that it was unnecessary, stand up to get a munchie (even if I was too full) in an attempt to peel away from the group gathering around The Folder. But Uncle has a way of finding me. Darn. So I sat down, took a deep breath (several actually) as I tried to stabilize my hand, and then I finally wrote it. His name. Another act of immortalization. I left my name untouched. No hyphen. No new surname. Stabbing pain in the chest...ouch...make it stop...please.

The Tree assumed...The Folder will tell the truth.

Diamonds in the Dust

As I was going through my stuff that had been in my room for years, I realized one thing--I'm a keeper of clutter...a clutter keeper. I guess it started when my mom (such a phenomenal woman) kept and eventually handed me the hospital documents plus both our bracelets (the plastic ones they strap on you when you're admitted) from Manila Doctors--the hospital where I was born :)

I then began holding on to bits and pieces of anything: Class pictures from prep, grade school, and high school days in Zobel. Report cards and honor certificates (okay I admit, I was a geek then). Wallet-sized pictures with generic dedication saying, "please keep this picture as a simple remembrance...keep in touch." Retreat letters, write-ups for yearbook, birthday greeting cards, and simple notes. Invitations and favors from debuts. Travel papers, brochures, and tickets from when we went to Australia and Singapore for volleyball. Cheerleading outfit which I'm proud to say I designed with the help of my sister. Stamp collection. And photos of my "nene" days from class performances to prom night :)

Even as I lived away from home all throughout college, I managed to bring back my books, handouts, and class cards from UP, complete with administration letters and receipts (how I wish the tuition fee will still be the same years from now). Also intact were the thesis materials my partner and I painstakingly accomplished (what was it about again? haha!) Oh...and I still have my DLSU papers to remind me that I should've been a graduate of BS Math majoring in Actuarial Science and Computer Application (or something like that) but I had to refund my tuition days before classes start and be an Iskolar ng Bayan majoring in Biology. I remember my dad (such a great pillar of my life) freaked out finding out that I passed UPCAT without telling him--truly my bad. What hit me was when I opened this envelope containing my NMAT results--it sent me back to the I-should've-been-a-doctor island. If only...sigh...

I also stumbled upon The Box. This came to be when I became aware and involved with the matters of the heart. There I found letters, cards, photos, gifts (even gift tags), trinkets, and all sorts of memorabilia from those I found love (or so it seemed) and eventually lost. I was never the type who'll go all emotional, tearing or burning stuff. Symbolic for some but not for me. I just never saw the point. I am too sentimental. I want to preserve them until...I get married. If only...(another) sigh...

Overall, it was a great experience to have my life flashed before me...literally. I daydreamed, smiled, slumped, had teary eyes, giggled. I realized that all those bits and pieces when they come together constitute who I am. They are what I call diamonds in the dust. Most people pass up the chance to carefully examine life's elements which get neglected, considered irrelevant, and thrown away. They may remind us of heartaches, shame, regret that we don't want to relive but these are just dust. What we need to look for are the diamonds waiting to glisten. Pick them up, dust them, and appreciate their beauty :)

Now that I'm embarking on a new chapter in my life, I felt the need to let go and just hang on to the more meaningful ones which I can share with my baby in the future :)

I got rid of my clutter...in order to make space for baby's. What can I say...I am a clutter keeper :)

Northbound

Just a few good things lately but a whole bunch of great memories from the distant past. Yes, I'm sentimental...that's because I value friendships--most of which lasting more than a decade now. It's my choice to keep them and it's my decision to nurture the bond.

I have been out of (let's term it) hiding for several weeks now. I became visible (and audible) again after months of dormancy. During this time I reconnected with a couple of good friends I've lost touch with for quite a long time--a product of maturity, I must say. In order to get things back on track, there was only one solution...a reunion! A unity of three individuals with seemingly different backgrounds sharing the same sentiments.

Two of us residing in Manila left at dawn for a road trip to Pangasinan (north Luzon) to reconnect with the last element of the triad. It was the day after his birthday...a surprise in effect; he didn't know I was going to visit him. I sure beat his plans of him visiting me here in Manila (sneaky ol' me hehe). To sort of measure the time we haven't seen each other, that birthday boy is already married with two beautiful kids! Time really flies so fast when you're busy making something out of your life; before you know it, you're not only flipping a page or two of your planner but you have to toss the entire calendar!

After spending the entire day chatting, eating, more chatting, and a whole lot of eating, it was time to head back...to end the gluttony. Oh, come on, don't believe me.... After my well-deserved south-bound road trip nap we made a detour to Clark, Pampanga. But since the tax-free shops were already closed and it was already dinner time, we ate. (Justified, right? hehe)

Aside from the famous processed meat (Pampanga's Best tocino, longganisa, etc.), Pampanga is known for its sisig. And yes it was the best...together with bulalo and papaitan! (Please don't scold me for eating cholesterol-"blessed" food...I had to...I was out of town! hehe) We ate at this place at the heart of the soldiers' residences. I didn't mind the ambience (or lack of it) as I was having the time of my life! :)

Not only did I reconnect with my old buds, I got to be a kid again--gaping at the scenery of lush greens, animals, wide horizon, vendors and peddlers; and anticipating to taste the town's specialties. I brought home dozens of what they called "tupig" from Pangasinan--it's like suman with coconut strips. They smell so good and taste heavenly! :)

I really enjoy provincial road trips. Maybe because I grew up without a province to come home to during special occasions, fiestas, and holidays. I'm a "Manilenya"...a born city girl with a constant yearn to get out of the city :)

Milestones

May - 4th month
No more dizziness. No more woes. No more morning sickness blues! :)

I heard my baby's hearbeat for the first time--a confirmation that something alive is inside of me. The first few beats instantly turned my tear factory into high gear! Man, I couldn't stop my tears! I didn't think it would have such a huge impact because I was not exactly looking and feeling un-pregnant that I needed a confirmation. But to actually HEAR the rhythmic beat of life is a momentous event. No one can blame me for overreacting...it was just so wonderful :)

June - 5th month
Patience is a virtue.

The wait at the clinic was unusually long. For some strange reason, a whole lot of people were lined up to see my doctor on that day. Hmmm...why are all these women going for an OB consult today? Weird. Is it really the fertility year as many people have observed? (Well, that's another topic.)

What made the wait worthwhile was this little boy about 5 years old. He took an instant liking in me. Whenever he would talk, he would hold my arm or my shoulder making sure that I was listening to his stories or queries on Spiderman 3 (which I never saw), Trinoma (which I've never been), and tons of things he found amusing. He shared what his favorite car is, the directions to his house, where his tita works, etc. He was also curious where I live, study, my favorite food, and he was even inquisitive about my tummy and what's inside. (It's amazing how minds of children work!) He then left my side to be with his mom, dad and brother. But before he left the clinic, he went back and sang me a song. Now wasn't that lovely? He left me there smiling...I'll soon have my own 5-year-old and I'll try my best to answer all the questions :)

Then came the ultrasound. Oh, it was just breathtaking! It was one of those moments you'd want time to freeze and wait for you to snap out of it--yes, Aia, it's true that you're carrying a tiny human being inside your growing belly. Another confirmation. Another bout of tear production. It's one thing to hear and it's another to SEE what's inside! Even if the gender was not confirmed, I could never be more happy and more relieved to find out that things are normal (you see I wasn't exactly living a healthy lifestyle until it really dawned on me that I'll be a momma soon, which was what several weeks into the pregnancy.)

July - 6th month
I've got you under my skin...

Not only have I seen and heard my little one, now I can FEEL the kicks and punches; and twists and turns--a strong baby this one! These are the times when you'd see me looking down, holding my tummy, and smiling. I enjoy anticipating each movement and watching the waves on my belly, especially after eating a hearty meal or drinking a glass of milk. Even if sometimes it startles me or hurts, it's okay...I just think of it as mi bebe's way of saying, "hi momma!" :)


Cheers to the last trimester...!

Knowing the Difference

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I had a good and rather interesting talk with a friend whom I've known for quite a while but had lost contact in the recent years. As we reminisced from the time we met to the time we drifted, I can't help but feel a sting...because his presence in my life is meaningfully intertwined with all the memories I've treasured and will forever cherish. He is who I consider a very down-to-earth person whose principles and values are intact. His faith is strong. His perseverance is unsurmountable.

We exchanged stories and milestones that shaped us to who we are at present. I poured my heart's content--my hopes, my prayers, my struggles, my hurt--while he intently listened. With every minute I spent talking, I figured deep in his thoughts he was trying to find the right words to say to comfort me, to alleviate the pain, to side with me, to make me smile. But he did not do that. Instead he dished out the truth not on a silver platter (like how other people would). He had the let's-face-it-stop-being-a-martyr tone. It was pretty harsh but I knew I had to hear it over and over. And to soften the blow, our conversation centered on having faith in Him and allowing Him to steer the wheel, which I'm gradually learning. He gave me words of wisdom, thoughts to ponder, metaphors to reflect.

God, give me the courage to change the things I should. And give me the wisdom to accept the things that You don't want changed.