The Tree and The Folder

A few years back when my dad visited from the US, we attended a family reunion. You see this side has not really been mastered inasmuch as my mom's. We try everytime but they're just too many...plus the fact that you can't base the relationship on age alone--some of the young-looking ones are already my aunts/uncles while those "more mature"-looking ones (I'm trying not to step on any nerve here hehe) are my nephews/nieces. Weird. I have relatives that I won't be able to recognize if we cross paths in a mall or at some event. Sad.

In an attempt to educate everyone, they posted a huge canvass of our family tree. Literally a tree with branches, leaves, fruits. What an effort! Of course the tendency was to look for our branch. Then there it was. His name. I was in shock...and I bet he was, too. I was thinking, "How the...How do they know? They just met him today!" Then I looked over to my dad and he was smiling. My eyes welled up. I hugged him. He approves. He's giving me away even before my hand gets asked and adorns a ring! He trusts him enough to immortalize our relationship on The Tree. Wow.

It seemed like yesterday, but that was years back. Wake up.

A month ago, it was the birthday of my mom's uncle. They are the remaining relatives we have here on my mom's side on account of everybody's in the US. In light of this, the small gathering turned out to be a family reunion...of less than 20 people...of 3 generations. For this side of the family, the supposedly grammas and grampas by generation got stuck with the generation title of the past because we call them aunts and uncles. After all these years, they don't seem to mind...I think they actually prefer it that way--probably a therapy of some sort to make them feel younger. I don't know. So, my mom's uncle who celebrated his birthday is still "uncle" to us. Furthermore, my mom's mother is called Mommy Lola by everybody. Good idea--combine two generation titles in one. Convenient.

As opposed to my dad's side, this clan's structure is clearer in my mind...albeit Mommy Lola's 11 children, a myriad of us grandchildren, and still-growing number of great grandchildren. The delineation was quite clear but it's still a challenge to recall names and birthdays up to now.

One of our uncles (should be "lolo") at the party brought out a folder to which papers were fastened. He wanted us to go through it and edit as needed. And yes, it was an attempt to document 7 (I repeat...seven) generations of typewritten, not printed, names. I can only go as far as Mommy Lola's generation...there were three more levels beyond hers that are unknown to me.

I quickly scanned for my name's spelling to get it over with. And then it hit me...flashback of The Tree incident at my dad's side's reunion years ago. Only now the memory didn't bring happiness. But sadness. A great amount of it.

I tried to evade The Folder. Why? Because there were two blank lines after my name. I perfectly knew what they were for. The second line can be left blank for a few months; but Uncle (Lolo) wants me to fill in the first blank. I chose not to show my raw emotions so I tried to laugh it off, make comments, throw my alibi that it was unnecessary, stand up to get a munchie (even if I was too full) in an attempt to peel away from the group gathering around The Folder. But Uncle has a way of finding me. Darn. So I sat down, took a deep breath (several actually) as I tried to stabilize my hand, and then I finally wrote it. His name. Another act of immortalization. I left my name untouched. No hyphen. No new surname. Stabbing pain in the chest...ouch...make it stop...please.

The Tree assumed...The Folder will tell the truth.

Diamonds in the Dust

As I was going through my stuff that had been in my room for years, I realized one thing--I'm a keeper of clutter...a clutter keeper. I guess it started when my mom (such a phenomenal woman) kept and eventually handed me the hospital documents plus both our bracelets (the plastic ones they strap on you when you're admitted) from Manila Doctors--the hospital where I was born :)

I then began holding on to bits and pieces of anything: Class pictures from prep, grade school, and high school days in Zobel. Report cards and honor certificates (okay I admit, I was a geek then). Wallet-sized pictures with generic dedication saying, "please keep this picture as a simple remembrance...keep in touch." Retreat letters, write-ups for yearbook, birthday greeting cards, and simple notes. Invitations and favors from debuts. Travel papers, brochures, and tickets from when we went to Australia and Singapore for volleyball. Cheerleading outfit which I'm proud to say I designed with the help of my sister. Stamp collection. And photos of my "nene" days from class performances to prom night :)

Even as I lived away from home all throughout college, I managed to bring back my books, handouts, and class cards from UP, complete with administration letters and receipts (how I wish the tuition fee will still be the same years from now). Also intact were the thesis materials my partner and I painstakingly accomplished (what was it about again? haha!) Oh...and I still have my DLSU papers to remind me that I should've been a graduate of BS Math majoring in Actuarial Science and Computer Application (or something like that) but I had to refund my tuition days before classes start and be an Iskolar ng Bayan majoring in Biology. I remember my dad (such a great pillar of my life) freaked out finding out that I passed UPCAT without telling him--truly my bad. What hit me was when I opened this envelope containing my NMAT results--it sent me back to the I-should've-been-a-doctor island. If only...sigh...

I also stumbled upon The Box. This came to be when I became aware and involved with the matters of the heart. There I found letters, cards, photos, gifts (even gift tags), trinkets, and all sorts of memorabilia from those I found love (or so it seemed) and eventually lost. I was never the type who'll go all emotional, tearing or burning stuff. Symbolic for some but not for me. I just never saw the point. I am too sentimental. I want to preserve them until...I get married. If only...(another) sigh...

Overall, it was a great experience to have my life flashed before me...literally. I daydreamed, smiled, slumped, had teary eyes, giggled. I realized that all those bits and pieces when they come together constitute who I am. They are what I call diamonds in the dust. Most people pass up the chance to carefully examine life's elements which get neglected, considered irrelevant, and thrown away. They may remind us of heartaches, shame, regret that we don't want to relive but these are just dust. What we need to look for are the diamonds waiting to glisten. Pick them up, dust them, and appreciate their beauty :)

Now that I'm embarking on a new chapter in my life, I felt the need to let go and just hang on to the more meaningful ones which I can share with my baby in the future :)

I got rid of my clutter...in order to make space for baby's. What can I say...I am a clutter keeper :)