Who I am hates who I've been...

Things happen for a reason. This is where my journey starts. I need to understand. I need to be sane. I need to feel.

I've lost myself. People don't usually know what that means--i get an empty sympathy nod. Empty because you see the question mark on the their foreheads but they don't really want to ask how "losing oneself" feels...because it can be scary...instead they give you a hug, an "aaaww", a hand squeeze. But that's okay.

Looking back at the past months made me realize that I had been hiding. Hiding from what's real. Joyful on the outside but quivering inside. Smiling but sobbing. Peaceful but fighting with myself. Most of the time I catch myself staring blankly but I have no recollection of what I was thinking of at that moment--it's like I was in another dimension. Maybe that other dimension is where I would find peace.

I used to be someone who knows myself, who's secure, who's living the life, who smiles, who has that spark in my eyes--that glow, that zeal, that happiness. I used to know my interests, my favorites, my pet peeves. I used have a clearer picture of my goals in life.

I don't like how I've become. I know it's my fault because I let it happen. I was too selfless. I need to love me again. I have to try harder before it's too late...